Ode to Nick Drake, Ian Curtis, Elliott Smith, and Kurt

I hate myself and I want to die
I hate myself because I am such a coward
A coward afraid of blood and pain
Else it would be so easy
To throw myself over a ledge
Or slice the thin slivers of skin round my skinny wrists and neck
Because I am such a coward
The only possible way to die without pain and blood, with a beautiful smile on my face in fact
Is to swallow all the colours of my many rainbows
Each pill one more step closer
To happiness for everyone I have ever loved
Because nothing I have ever done for them turns out right
Everything I do is wrong. Is a lie. Is a sin. Is selfish.
What kind of animal am I if I don't hate myself?
I am no animal though. I am only human.
And that is why I hate myself and I want to die.
Jesus, please then tell me why you have been mocking me?
The drugs don't work anymore
They don't even make me sleep no matter how much I take
Sometimes though, rarely but sometimes, they work, and I sleep.
Those moments are the most blissful moments, the falling asleep, knowing peace is finally at hand, knowing that soon all my loved ones can be happy again.

But then I fucking wake up. Son of a bitch.
I hate myself and I want to die